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This blog has been used through the years to chronicle my life throughout high school, mostly focusing on what was the most important relationship of my life. It feels only right then that I should add this entry to this blog as well as my new one as a way of reaching closure on the subject.
Our relationship lasted only 2 years, but in terms of high school that is quite a long time. It has been 6 years since we broke up and it can only be described as a delayed reaction that I now have realised what I miss about Ian. Fate would have it that we were both to attend the same Blur concert in Hyde Park last night (a band that I would always associate with him before these events) and I finally feel now that it is completely over. Of course it has been over for ages. I've had many boyfriends since then but none have had such a large impact on my life. He was my everything, he helped me to see the world in a magical way that kept everything fresh and beautiful. I cherished every sight in the hopes that I would later relay my experiences, and my thoughts to him so that he could share in my revelations and awe.
I no longer make mixed tapes as I no longer have anyone to send them to.
I no longer write poetry as I no longer yearn for his presence, waiting impatiently for our next opportunity to play house, to sleep in his arms, to roam around a foreign land.
These places are no longer foreign and haven't been for some time.
Much has changed since we were together and yet I wanted to meet him. To see how it would be. We met in the bar, he met my fiance, and I met his girlfriend. We laughed and joked and had a great time, but when it came down to it it was all to easy to leave.
I suppose what I got out of this meeting was a more clear understanding of how he felt about me. How much I had meant to him, to the point where his girlfriend confided in me that 4 years ago when they had met, he said that she reminded him of an American girl he used to date. I'm happy to have had a positive influence on his life and that he would seek another girl like me despite how badly it ended between us. I'd like to think that there will always be a special place in his heart for me... but this is just speculation and I will never know for certain.
I feel however that in the end, life has worked out for the best. Parting our ways, me with my fiance - I know now that I am with who I should be with, who I want to be with.
Ian will always have a special place in my heart and I hope to always remember him and reflect fondly on the feelings that I had felt for never have I felt so passionately, vividly, like life was constantly in full bloom, as I did with him.
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Hey all....
okay so I havent written in yonks... reason being I have a new journal... so check out 5year_too_late, my new one and add it bitches!
x
MandaCurrent Mood:  drunk Current Music: Johnny Thunders- Chinese Rocks |
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I dont know whats been wrong with me lately. I talked to my therapist back home and she recommends that I go see a psychiatrist out here. so I might be making fortnightly trips to edinburgh from now on.
Does anyone remember Emmanuel? Emmanuel V, to be exact? AKA EV. Well. I like him. A lot. And I had the best night ever at the Shinty Ball and had the chance to take him home with me. It was wonderful and he made me so happy. But why did I have to push him away on Tuesday night? We had this dinner thing at the Castle Tav (the shinty teams local) Biggles, who is a good friend of EV's started talking shit to me and made me cry. in a very drunken and diastraught state i started phoning EV up about 4 times and left him 5 messages (text) trying to get in touch with him about if what Biggles was saying was true or not. I think it scared him off.
That great look he gave me when i walked into the Tav on tuesday was so different from the welcome I got on wednesday, which was non existant... a distant hug and a few words of apology on both ends. should i ask him out for coffee when i get back from france? i dont know at this point. But ive fucked things up thoroughly. I need advice and some good advice at that. I want to know whats going on in his head, but all im doing is stressing myself out and running my body ragged. Im stopping drinking. its nothing but Perrier from now on... I can see myself slowly but surely following in my eldest sisters footprints and thats not what I want. Sorry to those of you in AA (and there is more of you than you think)... its not for me.
I want to take back control of myself and my feelings. But i feel just as depressed when im sober as when Im drunk, and that scares me more than anything. I feel so alone at night. I burnt my bridges with Tim the other night when I confessed I had a thing for EV... and man, do i. He's like a mysterious book, a real one. Not one of those guys who is like, 'i cant share with you my pain' and then all you hear about is them (cough cough tim cough) he doesnt say. But you can tell. He confessed to me he's scared of relationships and people knowing too much. And i am the same at this point. my shrink says im trying to push people away so I dont get hurt again like what happened with tim. ive never been so hurt in my life. I hadnt cut in about a year, but its relapsed again. my parents dont know. and its worse than ever.
sorry to share this all with you, and to those of you who didnt know i was a cutter. well, im not in the states and this is my journal so ill talk about it if i wanna. But its been a long term thing for me, since I was about 13. Im tired of making excuses.. the cuts on the back as a drunken fall, my arm wrapped up from a drunken burn, my leg ripped up from a cat. people keep on asking and i keep on trying to hide, but its not working and i dont know whats worse... people thinking im a hazardous drunk, or people knowing the truth.
I had a dream on tuesday night that george bush won the election. I woke up at 5 am gmt and called my rents to find out the results... first time a nightmare has ever actually come true for me. Oh well. I'll leave this here.
xx
mandaCurrent Mood: depressed Current Music: Elliot Smith- Christian Brothers |
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Sep. 9th, 2004 @ 09:53 am
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.:you don't meet anyone being pretentious and sobre:. |
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Andy asked me once why I never stay home, why I am always travelling and always driving somewhere. I understand now. Why I am never content to stay at home and watch television or movies or anything like that. This really isn't my home anymore. I am an intruder here and no matter how hard my mother makes an effort to make me feel welcome, my father pushes me further away. I'm so tired of being indebted, so tired of owing and scrounging and trying to make him happy, to make him proud of me. When you're in a house by yourself, you understand you are alone and are able to come to terms with it; in this house, there are people all around you, you can't see them most of the time, and they don't talk to you, but theyre there... and you just cannot feel settled with the idea that you are 'alone' in a house with the two people you are supposed to have the strongest bond with.
Oh no one will understand it when they come over and meet my family. They seem great, they seem in love, they seem normal. But when everyone leaves, thats when my mother sleeps on the couch from 4pm to 6 am and my father sheds the amiable skin.
I never expected anyone to understand what was happening. I don't talk about it much anymore. But last night was the last of this.
I found out yesterday that my operation was successful and my pathology came out with the best result possible: Im cancer-free. my mother was happy, we celebrated, smoked a joint and ate dinner together. Then I was left alone again.
When my father came home that night, i expected a little compassion, maybe a hug... all i received was a bollocking because my room was too dirty and his office was a mess (its been a mess since before i came home), how the dog is going to the office with him everyday and im an ungrateful bitch.
I changed my flight to the 16th and am spending a chunk of next week in Boston. I wish I could just enjoy staying in this house sometimes, but it will never happen. Even the milk and tea in the fridge turns sour, I need to get out.Current Mood:  creative Current Music: Snow Patrol- Run |
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OK well this will be my last post before heading back to Europe for a solid month. so here it goes:
I got a call from Andy today, we talked for a bit and he sounded really excited when I said I'd be moving to Boston. Well lets just see how that goes and take it one step at a time. Im happy about where I am in that relationship at the moment. We're not dating. We're friends. Let me get that straight. We're friends, with some possible potential but it seems stupid to invest any over-emotion in something that is so volitile and distanced. If we do see eachother a lot whilst I'm in Boston, then maaaaybe something will come out of it. But for now. Im quite content with whats going on.
Every since I was a kid my father always told me that I'd have an addictive personallity: He has one, my mother has one, both my sisters do, my entire family does... so it would only be natural that I'd have one. And try as I might, I couldnt find a single substance that I was unbeleivably, hopelessly addicted to... But it dawned on me today what it is.... its not 'love' nor is it the feeling of being 'loved'. Its the people who I associate with Love. My ex-boyfriends. Let us put certain people aside (we all know who) and look at my good powerful relationships... I have pretty good ones most of the time dont I? even though after we break up they turn into seedy drug addicts. We have close bonds and you can tell the people I date, I am with for more than their sexual prowess. Im addicted to a good personality. Its hard to explain, its really abstract in my own head, but as my parents still get these massive cocaine cravings, I get this insatiable urges to be with people. And after I've heard from them, my spirit suddenly changes and Im happier, more lively and talkative. I dug up this old letter i wrote to Ethan a few months ago and for a week or so, I had this great overbearing urge to get in touch with him. I went through everything to find his phone number... I had dream over dream over dream about him and kept on playing "Needle in the Hay" to remind myself of our relationship... as I always play:
"Girl From Mars" when I miss Ian
"Apple Shampoo" when I miss Joey
"Time of Your Life" when I miss Neil
"Haligh" when I miss Leroy
"Scooby Snacks" when I miss Rick
"Stumbled on a Penny" when I miss Dane (or "Hey Johnny Park", depending on the mood im in)
"Just Like Heaven" when I miss Casey
"Rocks Tonic Juice Magic" when I miss Danny
"You and Me Song" when I miss Donner
and "Pumping Iron for Enya" when I think of Andy (or Phantom of my Organ depending on mood)
I mean there are more people ive been with but those are the ones who I've had some psycological connection with (mind you, some more than others) But Its strange, and probably is a good reason why my friendships suck so much. Sorry all the guys who read this who Ive fucked over cos of a guy. I hate when my friends do it to me. and Im sorry if ive done it to you...
have a fun summer and I'll be back on the 20th
xx
p.s. my new skateboard rocks!
Jul. 28th, 2004 @ 06:18 pm
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| » Mum= Iclandic Cibo Mato |
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Saw Tristan O'Donnell at a Mum show last night... how strange?
Mum was really good tho. That was a worthy experience... thanks dani.
New best chat-up line by band member: "so, have you ever been to iceland?"
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 11:34 am
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| » Skateboard for Cancer |
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OK that makes no sense... but it will if you look at this post abstractly.
Yesterday was one of those days that you wish never happened. I got diagnosed with Human-Papiloma Virus, but not only that, i have #16, which out of the 140 different types, is the most severe. This means:
+ I do not have genital warts
+ I do have a precancerous condition and will need surgery
+ I will have to use contraception with EVERYONE for a year or more until I have had a few consecutive clear pap tests
+ I will have an operation later on in the summer to remove the precancerous cells
+ my cells will have a perminent mutation in my cervex
In a nutshell, I have this thing which will cause cancer one day... doesnt mean i'll actually ever get full blown cancer. It just heightens my risk. I dont have cancer now, but I need to be checked all the time for a year by the doctors. thus i am moving back to america coming this january.
My operation will be late August, I am still leaving on Thursday to go back to the UK with my mother, except now, I will be returning with her as well. I will get to school a bit late but thats no worries.
I told Brett bout it first, as soon as I got out of the doctors office, and she's really the only person I phoned, besides Andy who phoned me (and by the way, is NOT coming in this weekend, but thats cool). She said she's gonna come visit me in the hospital and I could have her nintendo for the duration of my recovery <3 awww. Turns out I wont be in the hospital though, its a day surgery down at Methodist in Park Slope, so I'll be home, although to tell you the truth, I'd kinda rather be in the hospital, my house is cold, stuffy and big and scary :( but no worries. I love Brett, she made me feel sooo much better! Hehe
Well heres where the skateboarding comes in. I somehow convinced my father to let me buy a new skateboard in order to support my new health kick...
*quit smoking ganj
*quit smoking cigarettes
*start using alternate modes of transportation
everyones been really supportive and im suprised my mother hasnt overdosed on any pills or anything (sounds stupid but she doesnt deal well and oftentimes this does occur).
well cheers all.
xx
Jul. 23rd, 2004 @ 08:08 am
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| » Left Hand Suzuki Method Shower... |
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Last night I went to see No Redeeming Social Value play with Kill Your Idols and Eyes of Hate... The first two pits were pretty lame, however when No Redeeming came on, I saw a lot of familiar faces like hardcore Rob and his posse which are quite scary and you KNOW you get the fuck outta the way when theyre in the pit.
The show starts and im pushed up against the wall on the opposite side of everyone else, there are some people there but not many. Im taking my hits like the next guy, got a kick to the jaw, a jab in the thigh and a few thousand punches to the arm (my entire right upper arm is bruised to hell and my thigh is getting there). Of course toes were crushed but my toes have built an immunity to heavy asshole brooklyn kids who cant keep their stand in the pit... well, speaking of fat asshole brooklyn kids... last time i check, moves are to be done towards the centre, and then you fuck shit up on the sides. some asshole comes up and starts windmilling fists.... he falls onto us, still windmilling and starts again, i put my hand up to block my face and take a few dozen blows to the fist and arm, im kicking him tryin to get him away but the ponderous boulder he was, could not be moved. i motioned for a few guys next to me to help as they were getting pissed off my the thrashing and the heaved him over and he fell onto the floor.
After i stoped laughing i attempted to resume my fist formation however my pinky would not go... broken finger, no problem i thought. But a few people thought i should go to the hospital so Alex and I took a walk to Beekman (which really was so fast!) and i got x-rays done... it wasnt broken, it wasnt dislocated... its torn. which is the only thing you can do to a pinky that will put you in immense pain, get you put in a splint and be referred to a HAND SURGEON. so i have an appointment with this hand surgeon guy tomorrow since my finger is unmovable and really fucking killing me.
so so far this trip i have needed:
*two teeth pulled on two seperate occasions
*gyno appointment
*biopsy
*possibly cervical surgery
*hand surgery
*dermatologist appointments
what the fuck else could go wrong right now? better watch my back, might get into a car accident or something and become a parapalegic.
p.s. highlights of the night besides the finger incident was seeing Alex, Red Head Justin and Chloe <3 joyness... and this chick named Amanda whose been name dropping me to the ABC no Rio people for some reason?
Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 11:27 am
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| » Theres Just GOTTA be more love in the pit... |
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discussion tomorrow morning when the painkillers wear off...
Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 12:46 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Think I'll go to class tomorrow.
P.S. He wears a Tear It Up t-shirt <3
Jul. 18th, 2004 @ 09:48 pm
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| » Baaaah-ston |
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Yea so. Its been a fun weekend I suppose. Friday night I went to see Napoleon Dynamite with Dani... my chicky from the bus on the way to camp when we were 13//16. I met her on the bus to camp and she thought I was her age, so we got to talking about bands and everything and really hit it off. Then i stoped goin to camp when my mother started working there and they became smoking buddies. so now i see her all the time since she moved back from baltimore. she's great. we had dinner at this quaint cafe down the road from the Sunshine and after the movie we decided to gamble on the trains. And yes, the train did stop... at Jay street. I knew my way around since I went to school there for 3 years and we moved to the R train, which is just a damn hassle for me cos i have to transfer again to the Q afterwards. waited in the station for 40 minutes and decided to get a taxi.. there was a lot more of a fiasco to find said taxi and somewhere in between we wound up on the train platform again. but we got a taxi home around 3am.. sucks cos I was leaving for boston the next day at 5... didnt wake up til 9 and set out on the road asap.
spent the day up in boston with Mike. chillin out, driving around. It was a really great day. Its so relaxing to just chill with him. I was all antsy at first as I usually am. But i chilled out after a while and we had one of our signature 'deep' conversations. I got to see his apartment in Worcester which I beleive makes me realise he actually is a boy instead of some a-sexual being cos he had the fuckin messiest room ever. There were two piles on either side of the door. One pile was laundry, the other was beer bottles//coke cans//random wrappers and garbage. it was actually quite a releif to be honest.
i understand now tho, the importance of catalytic converters on cars... after driving behind mike from worcester to hudson. By the time we got to his house i was really woozy and going cross-eyed from the inhilation. it was bad, and i got a killer headache too. but we went to mexican food and he got be elf cookies from price choppers (really strange place) so it was cool.
the ride back wasnt too bad either tho. It only took me 3 hours 45 min from door to door and that includes picking up jasper uptown before heading back to brooklyn. and it was only 5 gallons of gas. i love my fuel efficient car <3..
I had the music blasting the entire way down... a most embarrassing mix yet it suited its purpose and Im finally getting over the shame i feel for liking some dashboard confessional songs:
You and Me- The Wannadies
Goddess on the Highway- Mercury Rev
Blue Hawaiian- Pavement
Favorite Star- Rival Schools
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
Date with Ikea- Pavement
DJ's- Sublime
Silence Kit- Pavement
Beer- Reel Big Fish
Sally Cinnamon- Stone Roses
Blank Generation- Television
Alleged- The Beta Band
How Soon is Now?- The Smiths
Baby You Got Me- The Roots Feat. Eryka Badu
Heaven Knows Im Miserable Now- The Smiths
Whats New For Fall- Desaparecidos (???)
Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
Shady Lane- Pavement
These Days- Nico
I rock the cheese so hard man.... oh my.
well Jazz and I had a fun night going through my old shit n playin dress-up then goin to ShopRite at 4 am and getting Mac n Cheese, watching Beevis and Butthead all night trying to guess the bands and finally passing out after smoking too much.
goodnight all
xx
Jul. 18th, 2004 @ 09:27 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Gkari00: but theres SOHA now
BeatnikSong: oh my
Gkari00: SOuth of HArlem
BeatnikSong: haha... thats class... you KNOW when they start with the abbreviations itsthe end.... just like in brooklyn when they start with the dutch names, everything is going to shit
BeatnikSong: i saw a Roude Hoak shirt the other day... I used to work in Red Hook, man what a dump!
Gkari00: yeahhh its always the dumpy places that go first
Gkari00: ughh
BeatnikSong: i just wonder... where have all the people who used to live in those neighbourhoods gone?
Gkari00: heaven
Jul. 14th, 2004 @ 04:58 pm
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| » The End |
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I think its time. Its that time where I need to let people go. Cos I dont want to impose on anybody my problems. I don't want to add more burdon on bad backs.
I just cant bring myself to do it... not from this far away. Its too hard. But i might not be leaving when I had planned cos surgery is 50% sure at the moment and I dont know what to do and dont really want to go back. I feel violated and wronged and very vulnerable and dont want to be there cos all my memories are now sullied by my medical needs and thats not the way I want to remember my first year of University and my first serious boyfriend.
Ive been in so much pain and just dont want to have to worry about everybody else... especially about how they react to the things that are going on with me. I dont want you all to feel any pain because of me.
xx
Jul. 14th, 2004 @ 04:18 pm
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| » St. Ides Heaven |
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I was walking around the east village today with paul and we went into this book store on 2nd ave. He bought Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and as he was paying I remarked about the copious amount of Jack Kerouac books that were displayed behind the counter. Paul then shot me back a few years to when I went on my crazy Beatnik trip where I read all the books and smoked too much weed, drank too much wine and spent my evening concocting paintings that displayed "aura" and "spirituality", i tried to escape to "the forest" for meditations.... however how far can one who is afraid of insects and most sorts of animals get in the wild? about 10 feet off the road... then i went back.
In short.
I make an awful beatnik
Fin.
Jul. 13th, 2004 @ 10:30 pm
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| » Crying in Cars- im sorry its so long but please read it |
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How emo can we get ladies and gents?
Had a shit weekend, although I'll call it amazing because Friday was great. I left early on Friday morning for Vermont so my car wouldnt overheat in the noon sun and I wouldnt get caught in such bad traffic. Unfortunately, there was no traffic and I made it up there with like, 4 hours to kill. So I sat in my car reading the Village Voice and the L like a stupid New York cliche and totally missed his Jimmy pull up right behind me... he wasnt ontime.. he was early. and he insisted on paying for lunch, and didnt mind (well, sorta but not really) that i threw all my fries on his plate!
Ive realised that its not just a hyped crush. I really like him. Im starting to feel comfortable around him and I can be myself... I like his mannerisms and the way he kisses and the things he finds beautiful and the details he notices. I like what he stands for and the way he smiles, i respect his routein and wish i could be so disciplined. eh maybe one day. I just like how he's slightly taller and he thinks its fun i need to stand on my toes to kiss him. I just hope this isnt just another boy fucking me over. Im so tired of it. It makes me cry sometimes to think of how some people have used me, or have tried to use me. Thats why I was crying on my drive home. I feel like a piece of meat, like half a person. I dont even respect myself so how can other respect me? this is probably the most truthful entry ive ever made cos even writing about it now im crying. and i dont want to be used anymore. and i want to know what each kiss means and each time somebody flirts. i want to know there intentions off the bat but i know this is too idealistic and rediculous.
I just wish i knew sometimes what i mean to people.
i dont even know what i mean to my family or my friends. whats my place? what am i here for? my family all weekend treated me with such contempt and the only comments that family i hadnt seen in a while could make were about how 'beautiful ive become' ive accomplished and overcome so much in these past few years and they can only greet me with this fucking superficial comment?
and my friends: what do i really mean to you? it seems to a few i am a celebrity who needs a daily "hello" and who you beg to come and see you, you're happy when im on my way but when we're together its silent, anticlamatic and just a goddamn waste of time. ive lost my place. and i just wanna sit in my room and paint for hours so i think im going to go do that.
and all i want is for him to say that he really likes me...
and this all means so much to me now because im stressing.
im stressing about all these doctors appointments
im stressing about the results from these tests
im stressing about what my future actually holds for me
and who's gonna be there to hold my hand.
cos right now im just holding myself
Jul. 12th, 2004 @ 01:14 pm
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| » The Full Vermonty |
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Yeah so my 4th of July was gggrrrrreat (in awful scottish brogue adapted from christie from Maine). Went up to Vermont with My chica numero Uno- Brett... Ive known Brett since we were Bratty Bratty Bantams on the Good Shepherd swim team. Ive known her for ever ten years... Thus making her my oldest friend (aaaaaw).
well. I thought that there would be fuck all to do in Vermont during the summer see as I only come in the Winter for snowboarding, but we made due. The first day, we went horseback riding. Which was a load of fun... we road through some trails and I remembered how much i missed it! When we left, we went back down Danby Mountain Road and Brett drove her car off the road and into a ditch... which was quite scary but I was bewildered cos all the while i was reading my book in the back seat and only realised what was happening when Teisha, one of Bretts friends, made a screech as the car fell... it turned on an angle and one would have to kinda slide in through the door to get in... its so fun! Anyways. Brett and Teisha hitched a ride to the nearest gas station to call AAA and me and Johani were left to guard the vehicle. I went sun bathing and had a ball... and then when the tow truck came i screamed at everyone who passed "ITS NOT MY CAR!!! IM A GOOD DRIVER!!!" haha, so i became designated driver for the rest of the trip... in my fathers new FX35 since my car is in the shop, yarg!. Well the next day we went swimming in a rock quarry which was lovely. Everyone got to shower but me, as I went shopping and got a $1,205 Versace dress for $39.99, yes its an authentic giovanni versace, its from the versace store up there! hehe! but anyways. that night at the fireworks, Andy joined us (some of you may remember Andy as the dude i was head over heals for 5 years ago to present) he came back to our hotel and we hung out. I 'just so happened to have had to' go to my car just as he was leaving and i hugged him goodbye... but he went to kiss me, and just like in one of those sappy teen films where the two lovers long lost meet again, we kissed.. it was cute and great! Im seeing him this weekend on friday so yay! if your wondering, tim and i are on a break. Long story but im soo happy right now! well anyways, the next day we drove home... well brett had to stay with the damaged goods but i drov everyone else home... what an awfully long ride! hehe... we got caught in random fits of rain.
and i just have one word for every:
TREEE!!!!
and I taste very bad... dont lick me.
xx
manda
Jul. 7th, 2004 @ 10:50 pm
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| » That Survey |
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Okay Okay, Ally D and Pyro are equally as drunk... theyre both constantly tanked blah blah blah, and the person i wish to see least is... probably Sam the Yah, she pisses me off..
Happy Pie-in-the-sky-ro?
May. 16th, 2004 @ 05:38 pm
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| » BAD HABIT |
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whenever i get one of those porn spam instant messages, ive gotten into the habit of looking at their profiles, its really funny that the girl tell me she'll show me her in her school uniform is actually a heavyset 50-something year old from utah. well, i got this spam today for ebay, and i checked out roguewolf20's profile, its fucking hilarious with the stupidest icon ever... haha look at the quote. oh freaky dude from texas... good luck in finding a mate.
Name: wolfie
Location: texas
Gender: Female
Marital Status: single and looking
Hobbies & Interests: FAVORITES
Horses
Sunsets
anime
beaches
wolves
country music
driving
horror movies
storms
cold weather
Favorite Gadgets: Favorites
rock music
werewolves
hammocks
work
schlitterbahn
cars
evanescence
Occupation: lurking in the shadows and still trying to figure out how to hunt
Personal Quote: DANGEROUS, UNPREDICTABLE, CRAZY, ACTS LIKE A CAT, AND KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND MYSELF. BEWARE THOSE OF U WHO DARE TO CROSS MY PATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May. 1st, 2004 @ 03:11 am
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| » Hyperballad used to be my favourite song.... it still is |
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i canty find a fuckin poet verse in this fuckin burned out head of mine
fuck it...
ive lost all creativity i ever had (which wasnt much mind you) and replaced it all with stupid preoccupations and anxieties. superficiality and sadness
i never wanted to become like this
i just wanted to change
i didnt want to be the girl
that girl
that the guys hang out with
the girl whose just a friend
i wanted to be more
i didnt want to be
part of 'the scene'
of that scene
or any scene
in trying to be different
i lost who i was
and maybe who i am
but maybe
who i am
just so happens
to seem to be
someone from that scene
a scene
the scene
who knows what the fuck scene it is
but its really gone far enough
it stops here
it stopped last night
when i crawled up
on that piece of cardboard in the living room
and wished for trees
i know,
it seems stupid
pfft, wishing for trees
how cliche and emo and pathetic
well i am
i am that pathetic, but so much more than that
cos i REALLY miss the forest
im from the city,
but i always missed the trees
so fuck this town
im heading west....
to somewhere cheap and shitty
and surrounded by trees
in the middle of the forest
somewhere around the hebrides
or hadrians wall
and i'll be happy then
Apr. 27th, 2004 @ 07:07 pm
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